I have a sunshine soul, or so I’ve been told. Sometimes, often when I’m least expecting it, a cloud floats across in front of it and blocks it out. It’s ok if it’s a white cloud – everyone gets those and they’re helpful really; just reminding us that we’re alive. It’s the big, black rain clouds that cause the problems because there are days when even the brightest ray of sunshine can’t break through.
On Thursday I’m going to my first therapy session. You’re only the fourth person I’ve told so don’t shout about it too loudly. It’s believed (I say this because I haven’t made it there yet and, whilst doctor and everyone who knows me agrees... you don’t know until the madness doctors have assessed you!) I have something called Generalised Anxiety Disorder. There’s a nice old article on it here but if you’re only passing through let me give you a brief outline. GAD is the second highest mental health problem, after depression, but it doesn’t get much attention. Why’s that? Well, because the main and most horrible symptom of it is anxiety. And everyone gets anxious, right?
Anxiety is a completely normal – even healthy – attribute in all animals. It keeps us safe by warning us of things that could cause harm and makes us think twice about ridiculous decisions we’d more than likely make otherwise. But when anxiety becomes Anxiety (capitalisation means EVERYTHING) then you’re in for a bit of a ride...
I don’t know how long I’ve been like this but I remember lying awake every night counting the minutes on my penguin clock until my parents came up to bed. I would inevitably fall asleep before they made it but that was the start of the “no sleeping before midnight to make sure everyone makes it safely through to the next day” routine that is still with me now. When I was 13 I convinced myself I had breast cancer. I didn’t even have breasts at the time so goodness knows where this came from. But it terrified me and I couldn’t get it to leave me alone. I poke and prodded until I was bruised and this only convinced me more. It went away one day, I don’t remember when. As I’ve mentioned before, I suffered from a pretty strong case of OCD a few years ago, something that I mostly overcame on my own. I was anxious then too and I believe it derived from that. It comes in bouts and they stick around for a fairly long time and only a somewhat major change (in that case going to college) can shake it off.
The bout of Anxiety I’m going through at the moment is pretty awful. It got to the point where I made myself an appointment at the doctor and told someone other than my Mum and boyfriend what was going on. She referred me to a therapist and the hard work starts soon.
Sometimes I feel like a complete fraud. This can’t be an illness; it’s just worrying and everyone does that. Perhaps I worry more frequently or more furiously than other people but that doesn’t give me the right to say I’m ill. Then I have a day like today when, out of nowhere, the black cloud sneaks in and I begin to panic because I can’t find anything to pin all my worry to. When I find something I become so consumed with Anxiety over it that my head can’t stop – whatever I’m doing it’s right there, blasting warning signs through my head and conjuring up dreadful scenarios. Days like today see me start crying for no particular reason and not be able to stop; the more I cry, the more things I find to worry about and the more there is to worry about the more I cry. I want to curl into a tiny ball and hide in the deepest, darkest corner until I disappear. I get so frustrated and angry with my head that I want to drag everything out and throw it in a great, stinking heap on the floor. So yes, maybe it is an illness.
One of the symptoms of GAD is the fear of having something wrong with your health. This is also known as Health Anxiety and can be considered in its own right but in my case it develops from the Anxiety that is already there. This makes me hate myself more than most things. I flitter from disease to disease and back again. I poke my body until I find lumps and measure my breathing until it’s abnormal. One day I’ll have one terminal illness and the next day it will be another. While it’s happening you have no concept of how ridiculous your theories are or how the symptoms can be so easily explained by something else. And afterward there’s a sense of shame – for a start, I am an intelligent young woman and I have spent the last week informing my boyfriend that I have a terrible illness of which 80% of cases occur in the over 60s. Secondly, I have no right to do this. There are people out there suffering from these illnesses – dying from them, even. Their family and friends are having their hearts broken and me... I’m telling everyone I can find that I’ve got this symptom and that and oh goodness what if I’ve got this AWFUL DISEASE AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I am a fraud and it disgusts me that I do this. But it’s not my fault. I can’t control my thoughts and I assure you that it bloody well drives me insane while it’s happening.
That’s not the only thing but at the moment it’s the worst. There are physical symptoms but mostly I’ve got so used to them that I think my body is supposed to feel like this. Last time I was like this I had different worries and next time (because, I guess, it will always be here a little bit even if I get help) it will probably be something else. But, thanks to the guidance of some wonderful people (yes, you little Brummie boy) and the honesty of others (thank you, Mr “You’re Fucked Up and that’s that”) I have come to some conclusions. This does not define me and there are things in life I want to achieve. Perhaps I do not know what they all are yet but that’s that. Anxiety has taken away the very small social life that I had; it’s stopped me going to university at least twice and is slowing me down in looking for a job. But I’m not going to let it do anything else and, slowly but surely, I’m going to take those things back from it. I can’t click my fingers and make it go, but I can work at it and poke it with sticks until it’s tired of being bullied and buggers off.
So, whilst this blog is only ever viewed by two people, it is changing. I’m not sure what to just yet but all the best plans are made after the idea has come to fruition so that’s ok. Look upon it as a sunshine blog, designed to make me forget the clouds and to send them back where they belong when they float into my head.
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