Yesterday I managed to spend quite a long period of time squished against the bedroom wall, peering down the gap next to the bed. There was no particular reason for this - most of the time I have absolutely no control over where my body wants to go so myself and the walls are well acquainted. Whilst there, staring at the dusty bit of floorboard that the hoover is too short for and the wrist not yet flexible enough to reach, I began wondering what it would be like for the entire room to be my kingdom. The room isn't that big - double bed, desk and bookshelf render it impossible to take more than two steps at once - so even for a small person like me it wouldn't make too much of a kingdom. Thus, I shrunk my mind down to Tinkerbell-esque proportions and proceeded to mentally build a two storey house the width of one floorboard. I liked it, although I consider myself a less feminine version of Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen so it was doubtful I'd have produced something I disliked. Once you have a house, it's almost vital to have someone to occupy it. Whilst not altogether familiar with property development I am under the impression that this is the aim so, not to let my house down, I moved myself in.
For this part, you will need to use your imagination. You are a very small person and you too have been presented with a lovely house underneath the bed in which you normally sleep. You have lived there all your life, apart from the 18 years spent in the company of your parents who, for those of you with a more strict rein on your imagination, are now living in another kingdom and have wiped their hands of you entirely.
Fortunately, I have more time on my hands than the rest of you so have taken it upon myself to write up a list of pros and cons for this scenario, in case you one day bump into a man with a laser shrinker and think it would be an excellent thing to try. You're welcome.
PROS:
- You won't have to worry about work, for starters. After all, how many jobs are there for teeny tiny people who will be worn out by the time they reach the door of their kingdom? (Don't answer that. While typing I have thought of at least 642 uses for small people but all constitute slavery and most break the law, thus we shall be ignoring them.) If you are fond of your job, this may be of great disappointment to you but it's your own fault for choosing to be a mini person. However if, like me, you are struggling through life with that awful disease "inexperience" or simply hate the work that you do, not having a job will be amazing. It's also quite handy as you'd have to leave at 3am to make sure your little legs got you there by 9.
- Unlimited funds. Or, depending on how you look at it, extremely limited ones. By which I mean you wouldn't have any cash. None, nada, purse is empty. Purse is a tent in which you can fit at least 3 of yourself. But it's fine. What do we need money for? Food? I have that one sorted. I'm sure everyone drops as many crisps as me on their floor, so you will have enough potatoey goodness to give you a varied taste sensation every single day. As a child I would leave little lunchboxes filled with tiny food out for fairies so if you strapped some wings on and jumped around a bit I'm sure whoever lived above you would take great delight in doing the same. Water would be provided on tap (literally) and electricity is already up there waiting. You wouldn't really need clothes, either. Most small creatures are naked (mole rats, insects, imps etc) so nobody would hold it against you. If you were worried about this, you could wear tissues. Tell me you haven't always dreamed of a wardrobe made out of tissues...
- You could harness small pets and use them as a transport system. It would be free and far more efficient than any other this country has provided us with. (Although, be careful. In my experience it is best to pick the ginger hamster as he has no idea what is going on; the brown one likes the taste of flesh.)
- You would never be bored. How could you be bored when you're entire kingdom was an obstacle course of dange- er, an obstacle course of obstacley goodness? Every corner presenting you with a new challenge, every sound a brand new delight to your very tiny ear.
CONS:
- Dangerous animals: cats, dogs, house rabbits, rats, penguins - all things that must be considered. It's quite likely they'd all want to eat you, or in the cat's case bash you around until you were nearly dead then wander off and look for something else to torment. Penguins are especially tricky as they give no warning signs as to when they are going to turn into rabid beasts, foaming at the mouth for a taste of warm blood. Have you ever seen a penguin rip flesh from someone's bones? Exactly.
- The hoover. It would be ideal if we could all set up house in that bit of floorboard that neither hoover nor duster could reach, however some people are more thorough than myself when it comes to the removal of grime and thus eventually they will uncover your lair. The plan? Train as an electrician (you'll have plenty of spare time after all) and disable the hoover. This will get boring in the end and you may feel like giving up but imagine the feeling of having every organ in your body sucked from beneath you at a very high speed.
- Human behaviour. Sex, babies, parties, clumsiness; all may present great annoyance to a small person who has to live with the loud noises their hosts produce. Invest in some miniature earplugs (bits of belly button fluff will do nicely) and pull your duvet (duster) up over your head.
- A burst pipe. You will drown, sorry.
I feel it best to leave it on that note. The cons were not designed to be a list of the various ways a small person could die. I can't continue because I've just thought how awful it would be to tangle oneself in a spider web and now I feel sick.
Maybe we should wait for immortality to befall the human race before we think about shrinking ourselves down.
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